Undeniable Plausibility
by Nienna Nir
Summary: In which the team speculates on the potentially existing romantic relationships between SHIELD assets and Darcy introduces everyone to fandom. Part of the Series: Coulson Lives, but the Avengers might be the death of him.


"I just assumed from the way they... touch each other that they were an item." Steve shrugged, testing his coffee with a quick sip.

"You need to get your head out of the dark ages, Cap," Tony shook his head, leaning back in his chair at the breakfast table until the front two feet were off the floor. "You see, in the twenty-first century it's totally appropriate for a woman to be just friends with a man and hang on him like he's one of her girlfriends." Steve's ears colored and Tony gave him a wicked grin.

"Have you ever been just friends with a woman?" Bruce inquired sardonically, his attention half focused on his STARK pad as he sipped his tea.

"No but I've never been gay either," Tony shrugged.

"I think there's stuff on youtube that refutes that," Bruce observed.

"I meant exclusively," Tony waved dismissively.

"Is Natasha not romantically attached to the son of Coul?" Thor asked curiously.

"No, which is what I've been trying to explain to Rogers," Tony rolled his eyes. "The son of Coul is romantically attached to Birdbrain."

"What in the world would make you think Natasha and Phil were together?" Steve asked in wonder.

"Natasha bestows her kind affections upon all of us, but her respect she gives only to Philip," Thor shrugged.

"I'm surrounded by morons," Tony sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I know exactly how you feel," Bruce deadpanned. Tony shot him a glare.

"Anyway, she asked you to lunch," Tony insisted, flapping a hand at Steve. "You should totally assume it's a date."

"It is not a _date_," Steve insisted. "It's two friends having lunch. If I thought it was a date I wouldn't even go."

"She's not dating Clint," Tony insisted. Steve glared at him. "How in the hell do you manage to be that much of a stand up guy without your head exploding?"

"Tony, you're an idiot," Steve sighed, slumping into the chair beside Thor. "And we shouldn't be gossiping about our teammates, it's rude." Tony held both arms out at Steve in a poor impression of Vanna White, turning to Bruce. Banner only gave him a patronizing look.

"Your society places too much emphasis upon physical displays of affection," Thor stated, swallowing his pop tart. "Such things are all well and good but they shall not sustain you though times of hardship."

"I'm willing to give it a go," Tony insisted. Steve winced, rubbing his eyes as Bruce shook his head. "Besides, that's the point I'm trying to make, just because Clint and Nat cuddle on the couch on movie night doesn't mean they're a thing. Lots of gay guys are the clingy type. Am I right?" He turned back to Bruce expectantly.

"For certain irrational numerical values of 'right'," Bruce supplied. Tony frowned.

"What are you going to wear on this date?" Tony asked.

"It's not a date!" Steve insisted in frustration.

"Wait, are you claiming that Nat's with Clint because that means Coulson's available?" Tony gave him a wicked grin. "Because I'll tell him for you! I'm one hundred percent sure you're his type."

"Tony!" Steve rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Look, for the sake of argument can we just agree that all of them are seeing someone and that way I can have lunch in peace?"

"We need to get you a girl, Cap," Tony shook his head. "You need to go out on at least one date before you turn a hundred."

"Not with team members," Steve insisted vehemently.

"Why not?" Tony demanded. "All our team members are hot."

"Okay," Bruce sighed as Steve's ears turned bright scarlet. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say that." Thor only smiled with smug satisfaction.

"Why's Steve turning red?" Darcy asked, padding toward the coffee machine in her pajamas. "Tony did you try to scandalize him again?"

"Why does everyone always assume it's me?" Tony demanded.

"Yes," Steve replied.

"Because you're an ass," Bruce observed as Thor nodded, though to Darcy's question or Bruce's reply, no one was sure.

"We'll let her be the tie breaker since Bruce is no fun," Tony grinned.

"Thank you," Bruce declared.

"Tony, drop it," Steve pleaded.

"We're discussing the... thing between Coulson, Natasha and Clint," Tony declared, waving his hand.

"Oh my god that is like my new favorite OT3," Darcy fairly squealed, flopping in the chair next to Tony and wrapping both hands around her coffee mug. "I mean the Agent BlackHawk fanfiction is mostly awful but fanfiction is almost always mostly awful. But the fanart and the gif sets, oh my god... and some of the fan vids are so hot they steam your computer screen. Half the time I'm totally convinced the entire fandom is composed of SHIELD employees because who even puts that together from Phil's half dozen Avengers press conferences? Anyway I don't care what anyone says, Phil is totally bringing sexy back."

Her rambling declaration was met with silence and her eyes made a slow sweep of their faces.

"What?" she asked, the word coming out cautious.

"What in the name of hell are you talking about?" Tony asked, blinking at her. Darcy stared back at him for a long moment.

"You're Tony Stark," she observed in confusion. "How can you not know what a threesome is?" Bruce choked on his tea, hacking though a spit-take. Thor reached over absentmindedly, thumping him gently on the back, still staring at Darcy with a perplexed expression.

"Excuse me," Tony's brow furrowed as he shoved a finger in his ear as if trying to clear it. "Did you just say?"

"I'm confused," Steve interrupted, his brow knitting. "Did you just imply that Phil, Natasha and Clint are..." Steve floundered, his face turning three shades of red.

"I've been a horrible influence on you," Tony observed seriously with just the slightest hint of concern. "A horrible, terrible influence. A year ago you'd have never put that together. It's like I've defaced a national monument. I'm going to jail... I'd go to hell if I believed in it but I'm definitely going to jail. I've corrupted you."

"No offense, but I'm not a Stony fan," Darcy stated, wrinkling her nose. "And I like Pepper too much anyway."

"What happened here?" Tony demanded, turing wide eyes on Bruce.

"Have you people never heard of Tumblr?" Darcy asked in wonder. "What have you been doing with your lives?" Without a word she reached across the table, plucking Bruce's tablet from his hands. Banner stared at her without protest as she typed. A moment later Darcy held it out to Tony.

"Oh my god," he gaped, his eyes growing wide. Bruce blinked several times at Darcy's smug look before leaning over Tony's shoulder.

"I'm not sure that's even possible," He declared, his eyebrows arching to his hairline.

"Oh, I love this one!" Darcy grinned, reaching over and tapping the video play button.

"Son of a..." Tony let out a low whistle and Thor scooted his chair slightly, getting a look over Bruce's shoulder.

"Wait... wait, what?" Bruce's cheeks turned pink and he let out a laugh as Darcy peered over the top of the pad.

"Yeah, the Science Bro's fandom is a little kinky," she admitted.

"I feel like I've been going about porn the wrong way for my entire life," Tony observed. Steve rolled his eyes, letting out a groan. "Cap, there's one of you here..."

"No no!" Darcy protested, covering the tablet with her palm. "Do not show him that, you'll break him!"

"I'll admit it makes me uncomfortable," Bruce glanced away, pretending to be absorbed in his tea.

"Is this a Midgard ritual of fertility?" Thor asked curiously, cocking his head to the side. Darcy covered her mouth to stifle her laughter.

"I need air," Steve declared, standing to his feet.

"And kinky underwear," Tony suggested. "Because if she's right, they're probably looking for a fourth." Steve mouthed at him wordlessly for a moment before beating a hasty retreat.

"You don't have the first concept of the difference between fantasy and reality, do you?" Darcy asked.

"Hello, Tony Stark, builder of Artificial Intelligences, super suits and talking toasters." Tony replied, scrolling down the screen without looking up. He let out an evil giggle and Bruce couldn't help but look.

"You are a sad, sick man," Bruce observed. Tony giggled again.

"What is this?" Tony turned to Darcy gleefully. "And where do I get one?"

"Don't worry," she patted his arm, sipping her coffee. "There's an app for that."


End file.
